The Boundaries You Didn't Know You Had

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The Boundaries You Didn’t Know You Had

Navigating life with more ease and clarity, requires you to know where you want to place your energy as well as creating boundaries. 

For most, it’s an unconscious act, either veering too much on the rigid or too loose .

Becoming a healthier version of yourself, will require going from unconscious to consciously knowing and feeling your boundaries - all three of them (more on that later). 

It’s possible to operate from mindfulness and abundant energy, without over-giving and crossing your own boundaries frequently.

Here I will offer the following:

1. The 3 boundaries that will help navigate life.

2. Reflective questions to help build more awareness of the boundaries you want to create.

Ready? Let’s dive in.

Boundaries

Most do not have a relationship with their boundaries. The awareness comes after the fact, when boundaries have been crossed, and then they realize what they do and do not like. Some may not even have the awareness, feeling stuck in similar patterns and feelings.

It’s like navigating without a GPS. You are more susceptible to feeling fear, loss, abandonment, anger, stress, resentment. 

Getting clear on the intention of creating boundaries, is so that you can allocate, as best as you can, where you want to invest your time and energy, and with whom, from your whole-worthy self (not from an unconscious, trauma-reaction or stress).  

Let’s define boundaries. Boundaries are:

• What one thing begins and one thing ends. 

• Guidelines (rules) to what feels safe and permissible for the external world to respond and interact with you, and you with others/the world. 

• Authentically flexible and may change as you grow and develop. 

We want boundaries so we can co-create with others with less harm and more health, love, compassion, and be of service. 

Reactive to Mindful

When we are unconscious, our body will take the driver's seat and will be reactive. 

Our autonomic nervous system (more on that here) will mobilize into a self-protective reaction to survive a potential threat - fight, flight, freeze, fawning.

When your boundaries are crossed you may experience anger, avoidance, fear, people-pleasing/appeasing, shutdown, submit or helplessness. 

We want to start creating a conscious relationship with the part of you that does create boundaries, so that you are not in survival mode and reactive when it’s not necessary (otherwise, you will live in chronic stress). 

Getting curious with this part is asking it:

Trust the answers that arise and feel into what your body says.

Healthy Boundaries

In my work with clients, I like to talk to them about the multiple types of boundaries that they can start cultivating, to build a healthier relationship with themselves and others, their work, and the world. 

So let me share them with you. 

1. External Boundaries

   • How the world is in relationship with you (your physical space and how you would prefer to be treated) and vice versa. 

   • Verbal. Can be spoken aloud (advocating for your needs, etc.)

   • Rules, laws, and ethics.

2. Internal Boundaries

   • When your body feels like a “yes” or a “no”. 

   • You feel when you need to stop the activity and take care of yourself.

3. Energetic Boundaries

   • Lives in our energetic field, what spiritual practices and sciences call the “Subtle Body”. 

   • Your energy is in the present not the past. It’s clear of “thought-forms” (thoughts/patterns of thoughts that are energetic).

   • You feel energetically neutral and not pulled into someone else’s story, and not picking up someone else’s energy. 

All three of these boundaries are present. It takes time and practice to tune into each of them. When you start cultivating a relationship with them, you get to see the world and respond to it from more of your authentic and highest self (not ego), and life gets clearer to navigate. 

Taking Care Of Your Boundaries

Reflecting on your authentic boundaries may take time and practice. It’s important to discern if what you are creating is coming from the truest version of yourself or a survival response. 

This may require you to work with a therapist, coach, or practitioner to help you see any blind spots you may have. That’s okay. 

• What is my body telling me? To slow down, to rest, to say no?

• Where is my mind? Are the thoughts from another person that seeped into my energetic field?

• Where is your energy? Is it someone else’s energy (a family member, ancestor, stranger)?. Call it back, use it as a simple visualization of you calling your energy back and imagine a big sun above your head as the call-center. Notice how your body responds.

• Notice the impulse before the act. 

• Is it time to explicitly and verbally state my boundaries to others?

• Have I stepped over the other person's boundaries? Do I feel pulled into another’s story, energy, or emotion? Am I impeding into someone else’s energy (keep ruminating about their situation or feelings)?

• What am I responsible for? 

In Summary

You may think this is too much or too “woo-woo”, and if so, maybe this isn’t for you. 

This is for those who are ready to step into a more conscious version of themselves, so that they can live from a place of authenticity and grow, and respond and not react. 

Taking care and being mindful of the external, internal, and energetic boundaries, allows you to have a relationship of curiosity and compassion to the part of you that is in survival, as well as the part of you that creates healthy boundaries. 

It’s not a linear process. It will get messy, you will make mistakes, and  you will definitely grow. Honestly, for me it’s been such a liberating experience, and I love learning more about myself and how I can operate from a place of abundant energy, than depletion. It makes living life more joyful. 

We are all in this together, and each time, we get better at being human. 

Hope you enjoyed this.

✌️ 🫶 ,

Albania

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