Let’s Talk About How To Be With Stress Without Burnout

47% of a study on stress in America said they wish they had someone to help them manage their stress. Some adults (36%) said they don’t know where to start when it comes to managing their stress, and a third (33%) said they feel completely stressed out no matter what they do to manage their stress

These are statistics from an article I came across called “Stress in America 2023” that was published in the fall of said year from the The American Psychological Association. 

People feel out of control when they are faced with stress, and the amount of information on how to cope with it is not even sustainable. 

Stress affects more to those who tend to over-give–this is aside from caregiving (which is a topic for another time). What society typically calls “people-pleasers”, the appeasers. Folks who by-pass their own needs, and sacrifice them to benefit another - to keep the peace, to receive validation, etc. 

Outsourcing your needs and prioritizing others (and/or events), has a big cost on your health - I can relate to this really well. The part of me that was a people-pleaser can reappear in moments of high stress. 

At the core of stress is a relationship problem – how we relate to stress, the role we play, and what I call “problem layers”, contribute to the feelings of overwhelm, helplessness, and numbness, and lack of agency.

These problem layers are:

• An awareness problem

• An education problem

• Mindset problem (not enough, why me, nothing works, nothing helps)

• Skills problem 

• Practice problem

Stressful moments will happen in our life. If we don’t have a high tolerance relating to moments in life that require a lot of our attention and energy, it will feel exhausting, and maybe even hopeless. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. When you get to relate to at least one of the layers of problems in a healthy way, you can start feeling better now. 

Let’s learn now.

Layers of Problems Adding To The Stress

Awareness Problem

Most are not even aware that what they are experiencing is actually stress. 

Stress becomes their “normal” baseline. This is very true for over-givers. 

We all have come across someone (or maybe even ourselves), saying “I am fine”, when clearly they do not look “fine”.  They may not even know (or want to admit) that they are in a stress response, even if their body is telling them otherwise. 

An Education Problem

Some don’t know how a healthy body operates and feels like, let alone, have a relationship with their body - they don’t have the proper education. And no, I am not just talking about how to bath and brush your teeth, eat okay, and look decent.

Learning about the Autonomic Nervous System and how it relates to stress and your own pattern, will help you know what to do and when to do it. 

The Autonomic Nervous System is a big nerve-like web that connects to different parts of your body including spine, eyes, organs, and brain.  A very simplistic explanation for the purposes of our theme today is, it is in all animals and humans. It helps to search for threat, safety, and connection, and it automatically gets activated. 

I am not going to go in depth here on how it operates (I will be sharing more about it soon), but essentially, when we perceive a (real or imagined) threat, our body will prepare to survive said threat, with fight, flight, freeze, or fawning state. 

That threat can even be an email from a boss you don’t like. I know it may not even make cognitive sense, but the research and literature says otherwise.

This stress response is meant to last until we perceive we’ve left the threat, and we are into safety. We feel the energy inside of us to mobilize us to survive, and then it dissipates. 

Most people, without knowing it, are operating in these perceived threats in their body for longer periods of time, with no true alleviation, but instead stack it with other problems and events.

Mindset Problem

Life can be challenging, but our beliefs about the challenge can make it better or worse. 

Most people cling onto the limiting beliefs of “why me”, “nothing works”, “nothing helps”, “it’s not enough”, “I should be…”. These beliefs send the message to our body, we are not safe - the power of words is real. 

I am not denying that life is hard, situations can feel shitty, but most spiral into negativity and have a hard time getting out of this negative mindset. The channel of thoughts can go on, and on, and on. Again, sending signals of threat to our body, when the actual threat is not there.

Skills Problem

Most people do get stuck on the skills problem, and feel helpless. They may not know or have learned skills to regulate themselves or to attend to their mindset problem. They may have tried some, and some do work, but they still feel a sense of stress or overwhelm, thinking that “it doesn’t work”. 

When people have experienced trauma, any current stressor can activate them even more so. Especially if they haven’t processed their trauma before. Most over-givers, are operating from a trauma response, and often forget or don’t prioritize applying the skills. 

We know that life challenges are inevitable, and the only place we have control over is our own thoughts and emotions and behaviors. Learning the skills to regulate ourselves is essential in the face of stress.

Practice Problem

When we learn new skills to regulate our emotions and behaviors, and cope with life, we need to continue using them. 

It’s like our basic hygiene routine, we need to keep doing it over and over again until we either get “better” at the challenge or until we die. 

Often people feel like they are doing it wrong, and give up or feel like “why even bother”, or “forget” and go unconscious and into the autopilot mode - an easier mode to live life. It’s easier to escape and numb, then to confront the reality that you are in pain or discomfort. 

Research says that for our brain to create and sustain a new network and pathway, it can take almost up to 60 days. So the more you practice the skills, the better it’s hardwired into your brain.

The Cost: Layers of Problems

When we don’t address any of these problems when faced with stress, it stacks up: the awareness problem, the education problem, mindset, skills problem, and practice problem. 

The cost:

• Relationships, 

• Mental health

• Emotional health, 

• Financial health, 

• Chronic illness and pain (autoimmune). 

I once had all of these problems stacked upon each other, and it led me to burnout. My mind, body, and soul, were all signaling from a long time before that, to change, but I ignored all the signs. 

One thing I truly believe is we can always have an opportunity to change. It really begins with permission. 

Like one of my teachers always says:

how much permission are you giving yourself at the moment?

If you don’t give yourself permission to change your relationship with stress, no one will. So I gave myself permission a long time ago, and continue to do so, and this is how I began to shift each layer of problem. 

Permission To Stack Solutions:

1. Awareness

The first step to changing any problem, is to be aware you have a problem in the first place. In this case, your relationship to stress. What you’ve been doing needs an update. How do you want to relate to stress? Stress will happen, but it doesn’t have to overpower you.

2. Radical Responsibility

This means taking full ownership of what you can control - in this case your mind, body, and soul. This also means being grounded in reality, not fantasy, or pointing the finger and blaming. 

If you are an over-giver, with stress, it’s time to take radical responsibility to pour into you first, as you navigate the event.

3. Growth Mindset:

So we are human and we are bound to have feelings about stress - normal. 

But how long do you want to stay in that state?

I am not saying to ignore or by-pass your stress or feelings about it. 

Could you give yourself another possibility? How could you address your stressful event  differently? 

A growth mindset is acknowledging what is real (the stressor, the challenge), and then what you are going to do about it (empowerment state), looking for possible solutions, and preserving. 

A recent stressor I had, I kept telling myself “This is a challenge, and I have support to move through it. I am okay with any feelings that arise”. I truly felt it in my body.

4. Skills:

You can begin to use what is working, and add more skills to help you regulate even if it means for a few seconds. You need to prioritize yourself and apply the skills, not just one time, but several times. 

Some simple ones are using one of your senses to break the pattern of stress, and focus on how good it feels to your body. For me, it’s looking at nature and for a moment noticing how it feels like expansion and warmth in my chest. 

Focusing on walking slower and breathing slower - especially letting the exhale out a little longer each time - regulating your body.

Take the time to learn more skills you can use at the moment.  

5. Keep practicing:

Stressful events may occur throughout the day or maybe weeks. Keep using the tools to remind your mind and body that you are present and can regulate. When we are in stress our mind can go to a familiar past or an unknown and often worrisome future. We need to keep bringing awareness to the present moment, where most likely you are not under threat. 

Stress And Moving forward

We know that many people suffer from the overwhelm of stress, not knowing what to do, and where to start. Stressful events are inevitable, part of being human, and our growth here on earth. 

For the over-givers, who often are under chronic stress, it is even more important to learn to take care of yourself, in real time. You don’t need a day (although that would be nice. You can start at any time.

The consequences of not learning to be with stress, will eventually impact your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, and your relationships. 

A new relationship with stress starts with you by:

• Learning when you get stressed

• To learn more about your unique nervous system patterns

• What skills work for you in the exact moment of an activation

• Soften and relax (even for a few seconds), and to give yourself permission over and over again. 

• To fuel yourself, so you can pour onto others when needed.

We are all in this together, and each time, we get better at being human. 

Hope you enjoyed this.

✌️ 🫶 ,

Albania

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