Releasing the Stress In Relationships

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⏲️ 9.5 minute read

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.” - Maya Angelou.

A great quote and reminder.

I often see people in a fantasy of how they want the other person to show up, without really accepting them for who they are. Trust me I’ve been there. 

We get so caught up in the solutions of what the other needs to do, so we can move on and live our happy lives. Instead of accepting them for who they are.

We see the solution clearly and have even told them. They still don’t get it - it’s frustrating! If only…

We know this is ridiculous, but yet, how many of us are still trapped in this pattern? This shows up in other ways too (the weather, the technology, you name it). 

If you resonate with this, then this is what we are going to chat about: 

• Clarity of the real problem in this dynamic.

• Steps you can do to pivot.

• The spiritual approach.

• Journal prompts to reflect on.

💝 New in the letters: scroll at end for new shares on holistic support I use and love.

Okay, let’s dive deep.

Getting to the root of the problem

When someone shows you who they are, and you see it as a problem, then you will find yourself in one of these scenarios:

1. If you haven’t done your personal work.

   a. You will be unconsciously trying to fix them (masking it as “helping them”). 

   b. You will be in denial of the reality of their behavior and yours, thus feeling stressed and not knowing why.

2. Realizing there’s still some processing and healing work for you.

There’s a fine line between helping and trying to change the other person and their behavior. At surface level, you may not see it. 

When you are activated by another, your nervous system and subconscious mind views their behavior as a threat. Therefore, we act in a self-protection mode to feel safe. 

This can look like people-pleasing behavior, anxious energy to do something to help them, negative thinking (judgment, criticism, shaming), or being argumentative. 

Even if you mean well, you are contributing to the problem. 

People are operating at the best of their ability, skill sets, awareness, and evolution and embodiment of their healing (aka “capacity”).

It’s not a moral or judgment thing, nor Ego. They have a different capacity than you. They are showing you who they really are, and you are having a hard time accepting that. 

They may not want to change, even if they are saying it (their behavior is not congruent), and it’s not your responsibility to take that challenge. Stay in your lane (boundaries). Let them be, even if it’s painful.

This is radical acceptance. This is healing.

This requires to get really clear how to be of support when appropriate and when needed. 

Meeting a deeper need

When you find yourself in this pattern of trying to help another and they are not receptive (for whatever reason), then it’s time to look deep within yourself. 

If you don’t take time to reflect, you will burn yourself out, and you will fall into resenting the other person too. 

On the surface, it’s easy to fall into the story of “I love helping”. 

Is it really helping when we are overstepping boundaries? The other person may not even be aware that boundaries are crossed.

Helping can quickly go into trying to change or fix the other person, even if that’s not the initial intention. 

At the root of this dynamic, it is a need trying to be met – to feel validated, safe, love, to be seen, or belong. Your subconscious and nervous system are playing an old and familiar pattern. 

• “If she were to receive my advice, she will feel better, and therefore, I am a good friend”. 

• “If only he realized what he’s doing, then we wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place, and I wouldn’t feel stressed (therefore feel safe)”. 

There is nothing wrong with having these deep needs, but if you are solely relying on the other person to change, when they don’t have that capacity and it's not their responsibility in the first place, then it’s time to meet that need for yourself. 

The other person can add to your need, but at the core you are responsible for meeting that need for yourself in the first place. 

The spiritual 

I am not here to convince you of any dogmatic spiritual or religious aspects of this topic. 

However, I truly believe we are all light beings here on earth to fulfill something greater. 

When you find yourself in this pattern of not accepting the other person, then you are not allowing for the other light being to learn what they need to learn. 

Both of you have a lesson to learn, and instead having your energy seeped into theirs (through rumination and energetically enmeshing with them), focus on you instead. 

You have the power of adjusting your focus on you. They will learn this lesson this lifetime or the next (if you believe in reincarnation). 

There’s a saying (with research backing it up) wherever your attention goes, your energy will flow. 

Journal Prompts:

• What is activating me in this relationship?

• Does this activation a familiar pattern from my past or even present? 

• What can I do to soothe that part of me that is searching for a need to be met? 

Steps To Change

You can do the work alone, through reading books on this topic of people-pleasing, relationships, codependency, but if you find you are struggling with discerning, then it’s time to seek out additional support through a therapist, coach, or a spiritual practioner or leader (a pastor, etc.). 

Taking steps to change, you will find you will decrease your stress, have more clarity, feel lighter, and be able to connect with those you want to.

Last Thoughts

We have all found ourselves in this situation, whether it’s with a human, an animal, machine, or weather—trying to change what is happening to meet a need deep inside.

I was recently in Kauai and looking forward to unwind and relax. I sat in front of the beach and kept getting frustrated and annoyed at the intense winds that were ruining my “special time”. 

Then it rained. It rained! I thought to myself: “I have two choices: I can either keep complaining and adding more stress to myself or be truly grateful (because it’s a privilege to be here) and focus on what brings me joy and relaxation besides being at the beach”. 

I used my somatic practices at that moment to help regulate and then access a positive growth mindset and found creative ways to enjoy my time (I meditated, journaled, drove, and even learned how to play the Ukulele, and saw the beautiful full moon one evening). I was even able to sit in front of the beach with the intense winds - I released and softened.

I realized that the deep need I wanted is to feel safe and relaxed, which the weather couldn’t give me, but rather something I can provide for myself. It’s a small example of how our old stuff can come up at any moment if we don’t do our internal work to get curious and change.

We are all in this together, and each time, we get better at being human. 

Hope you enjoyed this.

✌️ 🫶 ,

Albania