A Nervous System Approach To Rupture and Repair In Relationships

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A Nervous System Approach To Rupture and Repair In Relationships

I used to think repairing conflict meant focusing on fixing the problem, so that the other person can feel good, like me, and still be in connection. I would fuse my needs with theirs.

This is a fawn response, a nervous system pattern of self-protection, that was fairly common for me in the past, and currently a common pattern I see a lot in others.

The beauty of conflict is that when a rupture occurs (small or big), there is always an opportunity for repair — one that can feel tolerable to go into the discomfort without fawning.

That’s what will dive deep about today.

What is the Fawn Response?

When fawning shows up, especially in conflict, we maybe unconsciously people-pleasing, appeasing, fusing, merging, moving towards them. It’s a survival response, for safety and connection.

Signs of Fawning In the Body

When we experience fawning, we will feel bracing and constriction in our body. Our breathing pattern will feel shallow. We may feel this rush of energy, which is a sign that our body is preparing for action - like wanting to fix the conflict.

From Emotional Fusion To Differentiation

To disrupt the typical pattern that typically happens in conflict, we want to get real clear on what’s responsibility during and after the rupture. What helps is this concept I learned in grad school, called differentiation from Bowen family systems theory.

In this theory, it looked at typical human behavior in a family system as an emotional unit, with each member playing a role, that contribute to patterns of harmony and disharmony. You can apply this to any relationship, not just family. Today, we’ll just focus on two concepts I am borrowing that fit well into this rupture and repair situation.

To know what differentiation is, let’s first talk about their other concept called emotional fusion.

Emotional fusion happens when individuals become enmeshed with the emotions and needs of the other, which causes blurred boundaries. This is a fawn response. We want to be aware when this happens so we can pivot. We want to move towards differentiation.

Differentiation is when you can know how to discern what’s your stuff and theirs, and that you are responsible for cleaning your own side of the street—this is what we want to do more of.

Differentiation is the ability to think and act independently while still staying connected to others. It’s staying regulated and present in your own body, while having feelings. If this was not modeled to you as a kid, then you can start learning to do it for yourself now.

My invitation to you is to consider the best possible steps, that I have found very helpful (both in my own life and with clients) in a moment of rupture.

1. Reconnect to yourself first

Pause, take a breathe, and really feel into where in your body are you holding this conflict and your feelings about it? Feel into this. Stay there for a few seconds. Then you can shake it out or go for a walk, drink some water.

1. Invitation to repair.

When you are in a regulated place (where you can feel your emotions and think at the same time without overwhelm), you want to offer an invitation for the other person to start the conversation to repair. Remember they don’t have to take you on that offer, and if they don’t, you continue to repair yourself. Return to equilibrium and harmony. Doing so, you are practicing differentiation.

1. Co-creating repair

It’s going to feel weird and funny and uncomfortable. But trust me, it will be worth it, no matter who is involved in the rupture. You are responsible for your own regulation and communication. When you find the conversation escalating, it will be best to take a pause, and re-group when both are regulated.

Use a non-violent communication inspired approach, where you focus on yourself and clearly expressing how you are without blaming or criticizing.

Play with these prompts:

• Observation: “When I (see/hear, etc.)…”.

• Feelings: “I feel…”

• Request: “Would you be willing to (the concrete action you’d like happen)…”.

• Needs: “…because I need/value…”

Last Thoughts:

We often take up so much energy finding a solution in our minds, when the best approach is to tend to your feelings and body first. A regulated nervous system, creates possibility for repair, where both have a different and compassionate experience. Whether the person you invited (or they invited you) to repair says what you hope they say or not, you are fully responsible to create safety and wellbeing inside of you. When we repair ourselves and/or the relationship, we provide an opportunity for a new eco-system of growth inside and outside of us.

We are all in this together, and each time, we get better at being human. 

Hope you enjoyed this.

✌️ 🫶 ,

Albania

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